Many of us have experience with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) but what is it? According to OCD Ireland, OCD is a condition where people experience "repetitive and upsetting thoughts and behaviors". I've written before about my "Mental Health Journey" but for Mental Health Awareness Month 2020 I wanted to go more in-depth about what OCD Means and my experience with it.
How it happens
OCD is made up of two things, Obsessions, and Compulsions. While it is not fully understood how OCD is caused there are several theories. One of which that I would relate to most would be that "compulsions are learned behaviors which become repetitive and habitual when they are associated with relief from anxiety".
How it happened to me
At the age of 10 when I had fears of the end of the world, I would resort to telling myself that if I did this small thing then the world won't end. They started off simple at the small and infrequent at the start, but whenever I would hear anything about the end of the world, the frequency would rise along with the type of ritual itself.
However, when the upsetting thought change from "the end of the world" to "going to Hell" it was taken to a whole new level. Now at the age of 12, I was now feeding my OCD every day with intense compulsions that family friends, and teachers were starting to notice. I felt so alone.
Eventually, I got to the point where I realised that things were getting out of control and I had to stop. So, one day I said I'm just going to end this madness and forced myself to stop doing these rituals no matter how much I wanted to do them to ease my anxiety. This worked for a while but since I was only bottling it up, this wasn't going to work.
A year went by and the OCD had come back. This was perhaps the most difficult time in my life (at the time) as the OCD was worse than ever and I felt there was no end. Aged 13, the fear of Hell was at its strongest, it was a tough rollercoaster of a year before I once again built up the courage to tell myself enough was enough and for the second time in my life, I had been freed from my OCD.
Something I haven't mentioned is that a lot of the time with my OCD I would do my rituals in threes. Coincidentally it seems my OCD nightmare came back for a third time to disrupt my life but now it had taken something from me. At the age of 17, I no longer felt like I could do what could make me happy which was my working on film projects and most upsetting of all, my rowing.
I began to do more rituals, which included
Eye Routines
Blinking routines
Avoid using my laptop
Not talking about how I felt
Avoiding eating (unless made to)
Avoiding drinking (unless made to)
Avoided changing the channel on the TV
Looking at things a certain amount of times
etc
etc
This video of me was taken in 2017 and shows me doing a ritual
As I couldn't hide as to why I left the rowing club anymore so I finally had to explain to my Mum what was going on. It was a big relief to have finally have told someone and it worked out for the better as I now was going to start going to CBT to help me. I had no idea what OCD was until my CBT therapist explained it to me. I finally thought that I wasn't alone.
It's been two years and I am happy to say I am back working on new film projects and will soon be going back to the rowing club this summer when the season starts back again. Most of my OCD took place between the age of 10 to 18 but I am thankful that I am now on the other side of it all and happy to have my life back.
References, and Information from the following websites
OCD Ireland Website
Better Health Channel
*Supports / Helpful Links*
If you or someone you know are struggling, here are some helpline contacts below
{Speak up, there's always a set of ears somewhere ready to hear you out}
Pieta House
Website: https://www.pieta.ie/
Number: 1800 247 247
Samaritans
Website: https://www.samaritans.org/ireland/samaritans-ireland/
Number: 116 123
OR CALL 999 IN CASE OF EMERGENCY