Mental Health Journey {Republished}

Especially for those who experience low positive mental health be it a long or short time

This is a blog I have done before however technical difficulties with the previous posts have led me to take them down. However, it has also given me the opportunity to reedit and collab them together. May 2021 marks the second Mental Health Awareness Month during the Covid 19 Pandemic so there is no question that many people's mental health would have deteriorated over the last year or so.

I will be discussing my journey with my mental health issues in the three different stages of my life they happened in. I will also be writing this in Timeline format to make it easier to follow. (Just a heads up this blog is a bit longer than my past blogs) Also, this blog is divided into the different stages of when these events happened (Early Childhood, Early Teens, Late Teens)

The point of this Blog is to show the many people struggling with their Mental Health that you are not alone and you can get through whatever stands in your way.

2000-2006 (Early childhood)

Unfortunately, in our society, children are not informed about mental health like other illnesses. They are taught that they go to the doctor when they are sick but are not taught to see a counselor or professional when they are sad or scared. This leaves children in a vulnerable position as they don't know how to express their fears and emotions properly.

I always had a fear of death and random other fears throughout my childhood, many of which would never actually happen. (such as my Mum being swept away in the wind)

August 2007

when my Nan passed away, it left me devastated and for the next few years, I would start crying at any given time be it at home, at a friend's house, or even in school as I felt Nan's death was my fault for getting older.

April 2009

My parents decided to make an appointment for me to meet a play therapist. After going to her for a couple of sessions I was now well able to control my emotions better and was able to let go of the guilt. 

2009-2011

I was anxious and worry-free for the most part for the next two years as there wasn't any major fear I couldn't overcome. Life was good.

April 2011

After looking more into the 2012 movie I began to fixate on the end of the world which was my first major anxious thought I couldn't shake off. I began to panic as I thought the world would end in 2012 and spent huge amounts of time worrying about it. 

Summer 2011

I began developing a theory that if I did a few little "challenges" then maybe the world wouldn't end. At the time I didn't know this was an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This carried on for the next year developing more over time and becoming more distressing.

Late 2012

I remember this quite clearly. I remember lying in my bed thinking if all came to all what would be worse than the end of the world? My mind then came up with hell. This stuck in my mind for a bit and slowly began to develop into my biggest fear.

All logic about heaven and hell went out the window as I worried that anything I did could send me, my family, or someone I loved to hell. The OCD had taken over my life as it made me do things I didn't want to do (Like doing things in sets of three) or stopped me from doing things I enjoyed. 

I also had this saying thing in my head saying" If I do this, I or someone I love will go to hell but if I do this instead they won't" which is a really unhealthy mindset.

January 2013

After being diagnosed with Dyslexia in December, I was advised to go back to my play therapist to help me with dealing with people in school. I was never brave enough to tell her about what I was going through as I thought I was just a weirdo who was the only person in the world doing these things.

March 2013

One day I just had enough of everything and just told myself " From tomorrow on, I'm done" I had it set in my mind to do everything in my power to get back on track, no matter how mentally challenging it would be.

I felt I owed it to myself after the last few years of self-torment to set things right. it took time but I did eventually manage to change my way of life just in time for starting secondary school.

*Side Note*

Children do have mental health issues as intense as the generation older than them and it is vital they get the necessary information they need to handle these issues. It is important for children to know what they are going through happens to millions of other people and that they are not weird and that they can get through it with the right help.

August 2013 (Early Teens)

When I was to turn thirteen in August I started going to C.A.M.H.S which is the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. So once I turned thirteen I finished up with the play Therapist and started with C.A.M.H.S

April 2014

In hindsight, the fear of heaven and hell never truly went away even though I stopped the OCD behavior for the most part. As I began hitting puberty I began exploring sexual identities and attractions. One day near the end of 1st Year of secondary school, I got so overwhelmed I thought for sure I was after giving myself a one-way ticket to hell.

It was so extreme that after a few days of intense worrying it lead to my first ever Panic Attack. I felt like I was in a roasting box getting tighter and tighter, I was balling crying and would have preferred at the time to be dead than have to go through what I was going through. I didn't know what was happening and I thought I was dying as is the same with most people when they get their first panic attack.

The anxiety came back worse than ever and 2 weeks after the Panic Attack C.A.M.H.S decided to put me on medication to manage it. The combination of the medication and school as a distraction helped me through the rest of the school year but was only a temporary patch on the tire.   

Summer 2014

The summer was an emotional rollercoaster as the OCD was the worst it had ever been. I was doing more OCD rituals than ever and I avoided doing things in case they might send me to hell, a big one would have been eating or drinking. Around August I began to slightly improve mentally and slowly began to relax more as I started 2nd Year.

February - May 2015

After smooth sailing for a few months, and getting back to eating and drinking properly, my OCD came back once again. For the next few months, the OCD ruled my life once again making them the longest months of my life (at the time as it felt like I was a puppet attached to strings

Some OCD rituals included:

Eye Routines
Blinking routines
Avoid using my laptop

Avoided using technology

looking for signs from God
Not talking about how I felt

Avoiding eating (unless made to)
Avoiding drinking (unless made to)

This is an actual video showing me doing an eye ritual

Since I wasn't eating or drinking my system wasn't functioning properly and I was losing body strength. One day, in particular, I was volunteering at a run handing out water to the passing runners with my friend. At one point he walked up to the shop and by the time he came back 10 minutes I had collapsed, had a finger pulse oximeter on my figure, and was wrapped in a first aid blanket.

This was a huge wake-up call and I slowly began to start eating and drinking properly again. A few weeks later my OCD got so intense I once again got to the stage where I said "Enough was enough" 

June - July 2015

At this point, I gained back control of my life, however, occasionally I would still look for signs. One day I wanted to learn first aid along with a bit of filming, and shortly after I had a strange dream. This "sign" is what I call Dream 1. The dream was simply a God-like man appearing and that was it, but I took this as a sign not to learn first aid or film.

January 2016

A few months went by and my mum signed me up for a first aid program as something to do outside of the Junior Cert as she knew I had an interest in it earlier on. She didn't know about any of my "signs" or OCD thoughts at the time, only I did, so when she signed me up I said to myself " Well if I'm doing first aid I might as well learn some filming as well". This helped me to see the dream as a good thing which made me feel at ease.

June 2017 (Late Teens)

Throughout the next year or so things were great. For a few weeks, I did my first aid program, started teaching myself filming tips off YouTube, and even got into rowing.

After seeing different things about climate change I began, yet again, to worry about the end of the world again and after seeing certain statistics it led to my first panic attack in over 3 years. My anxiety only built during the summer.

November 2017

One day in November I remember thinking to myself about that Dream 1 and started to think about what if it wasn't a good sign. This little thought grew into worry and then into a panic, panic about thinking of hell again and it took over the world ending worry.

A few nights later, after the thought was on my mind for a few days, I had another dream. This was Dream 2. This time I saw someone suffering and immediately took this as a bad sign so I stopped learning film. 

December 2017

A few weeks went by and I got very low, I then began to wonder what else could the "dreams" tell me not to do, then it struck me, the rowing. I couldn't bear the thought of losing the rowing as it had become the main interest in my life. I don't know why but this time I was looking for a dream sign and thought nothing would come of it.

However, then came Dream 3. I dreamt of people I thought I recognised being tortured, I woke up the next morning sweating, on the bridge of a panic attack, and felt sick to my stomach. 

*Side Note*

Just for the record, these dreams were Not signs from a higher power!

Dream 1: Average coincidental dream

Dream 2 - 3: Results of overthinking and intense anxiety 

January 2018

Around this time my mum knew something was up after I completely avoided the Rowing Christmas party and she asked me what was up. I eventually told her everything that happened with the OCD rituals, the dreams, and the worry. This was a big step as finally, I began to open up more to recover once and for all.

February 2018

Shortly after I went to see a CBT specialist For the next few months. This helped in realising what OCD is and the factors and reasoning behind my experience with it.

Summer 2018

As 5th year came to a close I was now off for the summer and almost immediately after I began to have strange dreams where random things happened and something hellish appeared. I would then avoid everything that appeared in the dream which could have been anything and expanded over time.

This lasted for a few weeks so I decided to go to a recommended counselor. I finished up with the CBT specialist after 17 sessions and stuck with the counseling. Towards the end of the summer, I began to become more of my former self mostly thanks to challenging myself.

At the end of the summer, I began sessions in Pieta House, which led me to my most significant changes for the better.

October - December 2018

After moving to the adult mental health services when I turned 18, they began working on my autism assessment which was finished in December and I found out I was on the spectrum. I was also told that OCD can be quite common with people on the spectrum, which explained many of my past behaviors. I also finished up with the counseling and began with an O.T in the Adult Mental Health services in January 2019.  

February 2019

One night out in February led to me coming out of the closet to one of my closest friends which was something I had suppressed about since the age of 13. It's one thing to come out when a little drunk, but coming to terms with my sexuality was the most sobering thought of all.

It is possible that my religious fear of hell was somewhat connected to me exploring my sexuality as a young teenager or vice versa, for if such ideologies had not occurred maybe I would have come out as gay years ago. Either way, it doesn't matter. We can't change our past but only learn from it. 

Conclusion

I could say that this was the end of my Mental Health Journey, however, one's Mental Journey is never over and is something different for everyone (Especially in today's climate) but for me however, and my experience with OCD today, I simply look at it as a quote from Pinocchio, "I've got no strings on me!"

I always thought why me? Why is this happening to me? I came to the conclusion that it just might be part of something bigger. What that something is I don't know, but perhaps I'll find out someday. I will say with all said and done, we are all capable to overcome any problem rather than being overcome by the said problem

Although we may never fully move on from instances such as the loss of a loved one, we must instead try to adapt, don't move on, but carry on, for a brighter tomorrow

There is no String that can't be Cut

*Supports / Helpful Links*

If you or someone you know are struggling with something there are some helpline contacts below

{Speak up, there's always a set of ears somewhere ready to hear you out}

Text About It
Number: Text "Help" to 50808
Website: https://text50808.ie/

Pieta House
Website: https://www.pieta.ie/
Number: 1800 247 247

Samaritans
Website: https://www.samaritans.org/ireland/samaritans-ireland/
Number: 116 123

OR CALL 999 IN CASE OF EMERGENCY