Coming out of the closet is a difficult step for any LGBTQ person, coming to terms with who you are can be a very frightening experience. For Pride Month this year, I decided to write my Coming Out experience including the denial, what drove me to come out, and of course, Coming Out.
Early Signs
I was always a child who didn't fit in well with others and found it hard to make friends. I grew up with OCD and intrusive thoughts with many illogical fears like the end of the world or going to hell. When I was 13 I came across Gay YouTubers and would watch them regularly in secret but surprisingly it never entered my mind that I was Gay.Denial and Hiding
One day in 2014, my OCD thoughts of hell got so bad I got my first ever panic attack. I then thought I had upset God and decided to disconnect from anything Gay-related and suppressed my feelings, however, this was only a small thing compared to what I was going through at the time.My OCD thoughts improved over time but I never felt I could show my true self for fear of going to hell. I remember some days just thinking to myself "God please give me a sign that it's okay to be Gay". I was so afraid of Hell that I even hoped that my family would vote against the same-sex marriage vote in 2015 in case they would go to Hell.
February 16th, 2019
One day I was going on a night out with some friends and thought to myself "If I get drunk and look at some gay-related videos on YouTube, then that's not my fault" so I went out that night with the hopes of getting drunk enough to watch these videos.
Since the gay thoughts were in my head already I began to do things that made me look gay as fun like saying that guy looks cute and stuff like that. My friend picked up on this and asked me if was I gay, at first I said no but when she asked again later I said I thought I was Bisexual. (I only said I was Bi because I was in denial and was afraid to say I was Gay)
I then told my friend I didn't think it was something I'd embrace and would just keep it to myself, which she wasn't on board with but didn't want to push me.
Since the gay thoughts were in my head already I began to do things that made me look gay as fun like saying that guy looks cute and stuff like that. My friend picked up on this and asked me if was I gay, at first I said no but when she asked again later I said I thought I was Bisexual. (I only said I was Bi because I was in denial and was afraid to say I was Gay)
I then told my friend I didn't think it was something I'd embrace and would just keep it to myself, which she wasn't on board with but didn't want to push me.
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| The night I came out for the first time |
Acceptance
For the next week, I was very confused, I went on to social media to look at people coming out stories and decided to ask a few LGBTQ accounts on Instagram about their thoughts on religion and being gay. After hearing things from a different point of view I began to see that it was actually ok to be who I am.Once I finally accepted who I was, I felt a wave of happiness I had never felt or experienced before, and although I still couldn't bring myself to say the words "I'm gay" that was ok because I was taking baby steps. However, I now faced a new obstacle in my way and that was Coming Out itself.
Coming Out
Slowly over time, I began to come out to more people in my own way. I felt more comfortable Coming Out to my friends first then to my family. Thankfully, all were accepting of me and I faced no real issues. In fact, the only problem anyone had was my parents in that they were a bit upset to be the last to find out but sure what can you do?
Its been over a year since I first came out, I am 19 now and out as gay to all my friends and family. Being gay has had its ups and downs but it's been an adventure in itself. I am so grateful I can actually live my life as who I am and experience what it's like in the community.
I also want to thank my friend who asked me the bold question "Was I Gay" that night back in February 2019 and for helping me for the longest time after Coming Out. Without her, I very probably still be in the closet to this day.
Being an LGBTQ+ member isn't about being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, etc, it's about community and having the freedom to express who you really are. Coming out was one of the most stress relieving and greatest things I have ever done in my life which I am delighted to have finally done.
I also want to thank my friend who asked me the bold question "Was I Gay" that night back in February 2019 and for helping me for the longest time after Coming Out. Without her, I very probably still be in the closet to this day.
Advice
If you're thinking about Coming Out but like me are afraid of the religious side of it just remember you were born the way you are and God wouldn't want you to live as anything else but yourself. There are many great online resources out there to help you come out to family and friends from Instagram pages to official organisations.Being an LGBTQ+ member isn't about being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, etc, it's about community and having the freedom to express who you really are. Coming out was one of the most stress relieving and greatest things I have ever done in my life which I am delighted to have finally done.
I can finally be who I am and I am finally happy.
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!
*Supports / Helpful Links*
LGBT Ireland
Website: https://lgbt.ie/
Number: 1800 929 539
Belong To
Website: https://www.belongto.org/
Number: 01 670 6223
National Gender Service Ireland
GenderEd
Number: 01 211 5045
Website: https://www.gendered.ie/
Number: 01 873 3575